I've been really struggling with my parenting lately. Read: I'm losing my temper multiple times every single day.
Last night, I wrote out the entire problem, including an example scenario so I can take it with me to see a counselor, which happens this Friday.
Then, I asked Royal to read my "Problem Description". To summarize for your sake, basically I ask the children to do something over and over, each time getting angrier. I think I should be making them happy, so I "try" to be polite and sweet on top of not happy. Then, I lose my temper and start yelling. Then I feel guilty and hate myself for awhile. Repeat cycle.
Finally, I'm ready to ask his opinion. So I say something like, "Okay, Dear. I want to stay calm with my kids. You know I believe my anger towards them is almost always irrational, and I do not know what to do differently. What do you think I could do that I'm not doing?"
He said, "Well, the first time they disobey, and you feel that first tiny inkling of irritation, send them to their room immediately. Let them be alone, and when you feel better, call them back out to try again."
So, that sounds obvious and simple. I determined to follow that advice.
I pictured screaming, whining children, furious at their merciless mother. I pictured children alone and in their rooms for hours at a time. I had some concerns.
But, I determined to follow his advice.
Today was day number one. Boy was I wrong. The children each only got sent (or put) in their rooms once or twice each. There was only one crying fit for about 5 minutes. I felt calm or even happy the ENTIRE DAY. (And Royal hasn't come back yet. Its 9pm.)
But, amazingly enough, the children were happier than usual by day's end. I just couldn't believe it. I thought they were going to hate me.
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4 comments:
I can totally relate to this entire post! First, I too have issues with getting angry and thinking to myself "Is this really that bad that I need to be this angry?!" Second, I too am looking for ways to improve. Third, I too am afraid of the intervention he suggested (and what is now working for you). My fears are the same - they are going to throw temper tantrums and cry and scream making me even more frustrated and resulting in more fits of anger on my part. Lastly, if you check out the most recent post on my blog I was shocked recently at a simple solution to what, for me, was a frustrating and difficult problem in parenting - controlling television viewing. The result, was a simple solution and amazingly fast results. Thanks for posting and I hope you continue to have success with your intervention. I just might give it a try :- )
You are not alone in the overwhelming task of parenting. This job is not for the weak! I struggle with being consitant and calm EVERYDAY, ALL DAY. So I appreicate you putting down into words your thoughts and feelings. You are a good person. Keep trying. We can do this.
Elizabeth, you have a great and wise husband. Also, at the end of the day the object is not that the children love you because if that is your goal for now, you will lose when they are teenagers. The goal is to teach them they can be happier when obedient. It is not about you. There is a poem "I had the meanest Mother" or something along that line. I will try to find it for you. When all is said and done, the children will love you because you loved them enough to be tough. Also, tough love. I love you and admire you doing all you can to be the best parent you can be. All my love.
Amen! to what your Mom said. I found that even when one of mine was so mad at me that they yelled "I hate you!" (which was only a handful of times) they really didn't and were sorry quickly afterwards.
I have been told "Thanks for being a mean mom" so I am thinking I ddid something right.
BTW: Two of the best books on discipline are "The one-Minute Mother" and "The One-Minute Father". Saved me from really losing it with the very stubborn and willful ones.
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